Badawiya: Blogging catharsis

To that woman.

They say that when you stop blogging you are probably in a better emotional state. The need to blog is gone. The time to do it is gone, the need for people to hear about it.. is gone. Simply because, you are happier. * whether you want to believe it or not*

I know some of you are raising your eyebrows thinking " that's not right! some of us blog for fun you know!!!" I say, "honey, the point is you are not socially adept enough (friends, family, colleagues, community, people who genuinely have the brains and humanosocio conscience to listen and care) to actually share these happy times, insights or fun with.. (ok before I get into a literal debate) I am talking about personal ( as in, in person)l encounters.

Some how, the potential of people reading soothes us. I am guilty too.. but then again unlike the rest of the world my social life is restricted in spite of me, and blogging truly is the only way to communicate around here. "That woman" knows more than I do that when we were in Saudi leading controlled, routinized, socially and morally restricted lives we were blogging like the blogosphere was our universe, and it was. I even walled paper my blog with space and stars.

the intensity of our blogging, the focus, the heart and passion, all these were a result of not having outlets to diffuse and disperse our thoughts and reflections. And boy! do we have lots of those over there!

I noticed this theory of blogging catharsis to be true when I had this "blind love" phase. Because I couldn't share my love, joy, problems, hopes and fears with friends and family ( for reasons pertaining as to why it was blind love) I could not stop blogging. Wiriting and writing, screaming to the universe, bearing my soul, webpages and webpages, every word weighed a thousand sighs and every line i swear when i go back and read them.. shock me at how poetic, painful and beautiful the writer expresses the symphonies of her life.

I can hardly recognize that it was me.

Think about it. Who blogs about happy stuff? we all blog about problems, issues, criticism, blah blah .. we don't seem to need to share how happy we are with the ( unknown) universe as much as we hurry to spend a night with a frap writing eulogies about an unrequested love or the lonely night of an aimless journey.

* I bet if you made a survey about how many blogs are happier, good luck! Why then would people pay people to write about the nice things?! ehh think about it!

A wise man once said that there were only 7 stories in this world from which every other story is a mere derivative of.

Try it. Think of any story in your life, in the movies, in the books you've read. Anything that is out of these seven basics?

* Note: Being a spiritual mystic ( nothing to do with being 07 believe me) I am not surprised, since there are 7 days of creation, 7 skies, 7 seas, 7 days of the week, seven ayahs for soorat alfatiha.

Anyway here are the 7 stories that rule the world:

1. 'Tragedy'. Hero with a fatal flaw meets tragic end. Macbeth or
Madame Bovary.
2. 'Comedy'. Not necessary laugh-out-loud, but always with a happy ending, typically of romantic fulfilment, as in Jane Austen.
3. 'Overcoming the Monster'. As in Frankenstein or 'Jaws'. Its psychological appeal is obvious and eternal.--- thinking here exorcist?
4. 'Voyage and Return'. Booker argues that stories as diverse as Alice
in Wonderland and H G Wells' The Time Machine and Coleridge's The Rime of the Ancient Mariner follow the same archetypal structure of personal development through leaving, then returning home.
5. 'Quest'. Whether the quest is for a holy grail, a whale, or a kidnapped child it is the plot that links a lot of the most popular fiction. The quest plot links Lords of the Rings with Moby Dick and a thousand others in between.
6. 'Rags to Riches'. The riches in question can be literal or metaphoric. See Cinderella, David Copperfield, Pygmalion. --- pretty woman? ;)
7. 'Rebirth'. The 'rebirth' plot - where a central character suddenly finds a new reason for living - can be seen in A Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, Crime and Punishment and Peer Gynt., Badawiya's life? hehe

Oh well... from trying to show "That woman" that she she is fine, to the revelation of "blogging catharsis to the seven stories of the world.. I leave you with this quote:

"The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it."

To "That Woman", to me, to you and all of us Saudis, we are the chosen ones. Chosen to be of THE generation that will bear witness to the greatest story in the history of Arabia, if not the story writers. Not everyone can see changes happen before their eyes... not everyone can actually write a chapter of it like we can, what was it like 10 years ago? what is it like now? can you believe it? stop and think... some people just eat, shit, lead boring lives, die.. no purpose, no faith, no joy no dreams no nothing.

We are destined to live a number of lives, each story with a lifetime in it.. and I wouldn't have it otherwise.

That Woman --- The come back.

How can I start writing easily after the longest time. It was not what I call a writer's block or the lack of ideas to write about, perhaps it was more of an interest-less period in writing my reflections.

As I am writing this post I am wondering, what should this post be about, my life? my love? me? her? them?

Perhaps it should be about me...

There is no life less tragic, funny nor dramatic than that of a Saudi woman...it is full of intense emotions, drama and irony. As I lay down on my bed today realizing that; well it is Sunday and I have absolutely nothing to do, my daughter has her own plans today and well I have really nothing. no one to really talk or cling to. I have abandoned by all means my friends and the people I cared for to be where I am today. a future career that seems promising, a great education and my very own house that no one controls but me.

could it be that at the end of the road I'll regret leaving the oppressed sand box? regret abandoning so many good things to acquire a freedom that i've always dreamed about? I don't know.

sometimes it is best to say nothing at all!

Badawiyas: Victims of our own silence

A reflection in the mirror
Dreams denied
A road untaken
a soul on trial

The sun is rising .. gone is the night
lost is all hope , herself she must find

Living to exist and not exisiting to live
an open door of what a woman could give

lost in the plot of a story untold
she bangs her head, tries be bold

To be of the masses and not the rule
is only a life but chosen by fools
She is the rule and she'll make them see
who she really is , she will be free

To fail again and prove them right
the thought just crushes her
in time she'll fight

And just incase they might be right
her silence will be heard
by the reflection in the mirror
in the silence of the night

Badawiya's Guide to Life

• You can never learn from your mistakes. The magnitude of the mistake lies in the reason behind it. And that is so very subjective.

• You can never play according to the rules. The rules depend on the game. Master a few games and you can get away with almost anything. Including murder.

• Don’t look inside yourself for the answers.. that’s bullshit. The answer is outside of you, if you knew the answers you wouldn’t be looking for them in the first place! It’s not about you. It’s about the others. The world around you. In sociology I learned that a person is a sum of all his experiences and acquaintances. His spirituality, norms and obligations are dictated by the people around him. Therefore, the inside is governed by the outside right? Look for the world you want to be part of, go to it and there you will find the answers.
  Life is so full of different games and playgrounds. Stick to one game, one playground and then your justifications I will accept. Don’t justify polygamy to me using Islam, when you are not a Muslim.

• If what is clear and simple to you is vague and complicated to me. Don’t be disappointed. It has nothing to do with intellect. It may be the curse of being brilliant. Einstein had a hard time counting his change , so do I.

• Mature. This word shouldn’t be a word. A person has to mature in a lot of things and it doesn’t happen at the same time. Physically, intellectually and socially are to name a few.
  Well rounded- I thought of it as maturity but now I know that it is even more. To be have a well rounded personality is actually NOT POSSIBLE. Nobody is perfect. Intellectuals have minimum social skills, the religious have no clue about what’s really going on. Politicians are bound to get their hands dirty, mothers are biased when it comes to their kids, the under privileged have no etiquette, provincial people don’t have a sense of fashion….

• Tolerance- It all boils down to this. You want to be mature, you want to be well rounded ? Be Tolerant. Be Human. Be sensitive to others around you, their circumstances, their backgrounds. Judge the whole picture not the moment. Understand that there are reasons behind how people act and why they’ve become what they are. Realize that beneath it all we are fundamentally the same, ruled by the same basic needs and emotions. She is a mother too, he is a brother too, We all strive for a better quality of life … Be tolerant. Don’t spoil the few moments you’ve been blessed with when all of you different people come together for one purpose, be tactful even if the person offending you is not. Don’t stoop to a lower level just to communicate your thoughts. If that’s the only way to get your point across let it be, walk away, you don’t need people like that in your life anyway! In the end, after the joys and tears, after all the years they will let you down. The longer it takes… the more disappointing it is. So spare yourself.

To Saudi Men

أنت منذ الصغر تتباهى بملابسك البيضاء، المكوية بعناية شديدة و بالغترة البيضاء

الغارقة في "النشاء" و التي تعطيك إطلالة جميلة و هيبة تدل على الترتيب و التأنق


و تبعد عنك حرارة الشمس الحارقة.


أنا من الصغر و في سن الشقاوة و اللعب "أتكعبل" بالعباءة السوداء التي تجذب أشعة الشمس،


و التي في أحيان كثيرة تجعلني أصل لدرجة الغليان ...


أنت الحلم الأول لكل أب حتى يتباهى بك بين أسرته و أصدقائه و أنا الحلم الثاني ..


أنت حب الأم الأول، لأن تشريفك قد يلغي زواج والدك الثاني بحثاً عنك،


و أنت سبب التباهي "بأم الذكور" و أنا سبب نكد الأم،


لأن تشريفي قد يؤدي إلى زواج الأب بحثاً عنك، و أنا سبب معايرة أمي "بأم البنات"

.. أنت تسمع اسمك كل يوم في زهو حين يكنون والديك "أبو فلان" و "أم فلان"


و أنا محرومة من سماع اسمي و كأنني غير موجودة أصلاً،


و إذا تساهل الأب و سمح للجميع بتسميته بأبي فلانة


فسرعان ما يختفي اسمي عند تشريفك !



أنت تتزوج ممن ترغب، و في أي وقت تعدد، و أبناؤك يحصلون "اوتوماتيكياً"


على الجنسية التي تخصك، و حتى زوجتك إذا كانت غير سعودية,

و أنا لا أتزوج في أي وقت أرغب فيه بالزواج، فأمري كله بيد وليي "

أب – أخ – عم – جد".

أما عن الاختيار فلا مجال "نوع من الكماليات لا أحلم به حالياً






أنا إذا ما سمح لي لكبر سني مثلا بالزواج من غير سعودي


فلا يحصل زوجي و لا أبنائي على جنسيتي إلا بعد مرمطة،


و إذا قدر الحصول عليها فابني الذكر يحصل عليها عند سن الـ 18،


أما ابنتي الأنثى فتحصل عليها عند بلوغ الـ35 سنة و بشروط مغلظة !


و كأنه عقاب مجتمعي و جماعي ضد إبنائي أيضا على زواجي من غير سعودي!


أنت لك الحق في التطليق متى شئت من دون محاسبة و أحياناً تختفي من دون تطليق

و من دون احترام لحياة إنسانة مصيرها متعلق بيدك بعد الله،

بينما لا يحق لي طلب الطلاق،

و إذا ما تجرأت لسبب أو لآخر فأعرف مسبقاً أن سنوات عمري ستنقضي دون الحصول عليه،


لأنك لا تحضر الجلسة!و لأنني مطالبة بإثبات الضرر


"الذي يكون غالباً داخل الجدران الأربعة و يصعب إثباته"!


و علي أن أخلعك و أعوضك حتى لو كنت مدمناً أو فاسقاً أو مزواجاً
!


أنت تستطيع النزول في أي فندق و في أي وقت حتى لو كنت تقيم علاقة غير شرعية


"مستغلاً إسمي المدون في كرت العائلة"

و أنا لأنني "أسود" متهمة دائما، لا يحق لي النزول في فندق في المدينة أو في مكة


حتى لو في رحلة سياحية دينية سوى بخطاب من ولي أمري أو من الشرطة
!


أنت تستطيع أن تكتتب بأسماء أولادك و من دون استئذانهم،

و أنا غير مسموح لي بذلك إلا بموافقة والدهم ..


أنت "ابيض" ديتك كاملة ، و أنا "أسود" نصف ديتك!


أنت تستطيع أن تتزوج بعد وفاتي مباشرة و بترغيب من المجتمع "جدد الله فراشك".


ما تقدم دعوة مناسبة لك و أنت تستقبل العزاء في!

أنا لأنني "أسود" أتهم بقلة الأصل لو فكرت مجرد تفكير في الزواج بعد انتهاء العدة!


هذا غير احتقار و كره الأولاد لي "لاعتقادهم أن هذا الزواج خيانة لذكرى والدهم".

ما تقدم هو "غيض من فيض" و هو بالطبع بعيد كل البعد عن الآيات الكريمة


التي لم تحتو على كلمة التفضيل (ثم)، بل (و) المساواة،


"إن المسلمين و المسلمات و المؤمنين و المؤمنات و القانتين و القانتات"


الآية



ألا يحتاج ولي الأمر إلى إعادة بناء لهذه الثقافة الذكورية التي شملت كل الجوانب


و أثرت تأثيراً سلبياً في طريقة تربيتنا و حتى على سمعتنا كمسلمين؟

حتى نوعي الأجيال القادمة أن أبيض = أسود، ليس بحكم العادات و التقاليد،


و إنما بحكم الله الواحد الأحد





إلى متى تضيقون الفسيح بحجج واهية ؟؟؟

A Badawiya's Memoirs: Long lost diary entry

She sat there wondering what had brought her here, is what she is doing right? Who decides what right and wrong is anyway? And if her judgment is impaired like what he tells her because of her sheltered life and young age, where should she seek the truth? Her parents are living in another world, and she is almost certain of what their reactions would be, there is no point in letting them in on her secret. They will do more harm than good. Better leave her parents out of it this time. They just won’t understand.

But wait a minute maybe her mother will? A mother is a mother after all and her mother planned her life step by step starting from place of birth .That is just it! She can’t tell them, she could lose the only thing that might be right in her life and she can’t afford the risk of losing him. Yes, her mother will be devastated when she finds out that her worst nightmare has become a reality!! But she will get over it one day and her dad? Well he is a kind soul, mainly just existing and almost with no say on anything, whatever mom says is probably what goes in the end so what is the use?!

It is a matter of where she belongs. Where does she belong? There has never been a harder situation on earth, Arabia and the West. The conflict is at its peak these days and there is no escape from that. A choice has to be made and her heart is hanging on to both worlds. “you must give something up” he firmly tells her, “You can’t keep both worlds, you will lose them both in the end” Choose what you think God wants for you and he will lead the way”. She chose what God wants a long time ago. In fact, it is now that she feels that she is so far from God. Could they be right? The friend she had, the constant companion she relied on in good and bad times, could it be true? That wasn’t God? Is God so hard to talk to? Does she have to go through so many rituals, find the perfect spot, dress a certain way, and wash a certain way to reach out to him? Was she being disrespectful and maybe a little proud when she just cried out for God in the wrong places? Where does she belong? Why is she alone now? She closes her eyes and drifts in the past, to a happier place where things were simple and life was good.

Was she living a lie? Or is she just wiser now? Seems like the older you grow the more you belong to more things and the more complicated it gets, Where were the days when she belonged to her family, her college, her class, her friends? 6 years ago she would jump for an atlas each time somebody asked her where she was from and proudly point to the Arabian Peninsula , recite a little Arabic while everyone would listen in owe trying so hard to imitate her , she would tell stories of a thousand and one nights , ones that her Grandmother used to tell her before she went to bed, her audience marveled at the beauty and mystery of the east . She was a smart child; she would geographically track civilization’s history from the Hanging Garden’s of Babylon to the pyramids of Egypt. Where is that little girl? How could she leave her? The only source of freedom and joy is now dying. She needs her back! But how can she bring her back? It is just too sad in her world now; she herself would feel sorry for the little girl if she comes back. Maybe he is right; she needs to toughen up that little girl. Things are different now, instead of telling stories about Aladdin and Jasmine, people are attacking her with stories of Bin Laden and Terror , More frequent than not she finds her self amidst talk that is bigger than her, bigger than she can handle, why are there wars? Why is there hate? Why? Why? So many questions, but who can answer? Her mother says it is hopeless, her father says it is all politics , but she thinks it is all in their minds and longs to go back where sex, race and religion don’t matter. Were we are all citizens of the world and all we want is to live and let live . Humanity is the common denominator. How Simple!!! Why doesn’t the world get it?!?! She just can’t figure it out.

All she knows is that no longer do maps and boarders define people’s limitations, no longer is language an excuse for ignorance and no longer are we confined to our own cultures.

It is as global culture we live in today, the internet, the media, the music, the traveling everything!! The world is like a worn- out quilt made of different of patches, still one piece with little patches mending it each time it tears, just like a scene from an airplane window minutes before it lands.

She belongs to the world and all she represents is her humanity. “Know your limitations, know your size in this world” he says, “You are insignificant, and nothing you say or do can move this world an inch, grow up and stop dreaming.” How dare he? How dare he crush her just like that? She has been raised to know that nothing is impossible, that she can make a difference and that she can , if she puts her mind to it and will change the world. In fact, she believes it is a calling, a responsibility. She was born for this, If not her then who? Who will bridge between the East and West? Who will make each side understand the other and work around their differences? Who will fill the gap? Having lived half her life in the east and the other half in the west, is there anyone else who can represent an understanding of both worlds? Her blood is half east and half west; she was conceived to be a hero.

How can he just brush her ambitions aside? “Honey it is for your own good, I don’t want you to be disappointed in the end” he continues “I love you and I just want to protect you” “protect me? Protect me from what?” She wonders to herself, how can she live with someone who doesn’t believe in her? Worst of all, how can she protect him from himself? Hope can’t be killed, hope must go on or we will die. She lashes out and accuses him of being narrow minded and a coward, it happens every time, they try to have a civilized conversation about anything outside of their daily life, outside of the house, the kids and the kitchen , he brings her back to reality like a slap in the face , she wants to talk about the War in Iraq, the US politics, Religious misunderstandings, but he thinks she is just a woman, made of emotions and less mind. This is her life, this is what she chose. She must either change him or leave him or then she will lose herself. The whole scenario keeps on repeating itself like a poker game stopping at “I know better, you are just a mislead sheep ling “if only he knew he was the one mislead “she takes a deep breath, She pities him and loves him at the same time. She can’t stand him but she can’t live 10 minutes with out him.

Why then? Why do they allow world politics to ruin their relationship? Should she be less sensitive? Is it really none of her business? Should she just live her life not caring? Give up her dream? What about their children? What kind of world will they live in? She can’t! that is not the way she built herself!!! She needs to at least try, she wants a better world! She needs to fix it, and it is people like him, who make it hard, why can’t they make a step? With love and forgiveness everything will be alright. It is not just a line from a song, it can happen , she knows it can , how can something so simple be so impossible to achieve?! It never was this hard! Was it him? Was it something else she doesn’t know about?

Sometimes she blames it on the place! It is too closed for anyone to think anything but what the media dictates. Maybe no one is to blame. Maybe if they moved to another country, he will see that the world is not a one big conspiracy and that he was wrong. Behind the leaders and politicians who mess up everything are normal people like him and her, with children and parents who just want to get by. What can she do? “We can’t change the world, but we can change ourselves.” she thinks, “all we need is communication, all we need is to accept people as they are “. We are all human, the world is in our hands and anywhere is just hours away if not instantly at our fingertips.” So where does she belong? She asks herself that question everyday, and everyday she finds a different answer, and every day she struggles so hard to defend the world. Every day before she goes to bed, and after he fills her head with doubts and fears, after they make up and scars build up. She smiles at him, tucks herself to bed, prays that God gives her the strength to fight another day , shuts her eyes and softly succumbs thinking … “I belong to you”.

The importance of NO

"Hitler may have lost the war on the battle field, but he ended up winning something," says M. Halter. "Because in the 20th century, men created the concentration camp, resuscitated torture, and taught their fellow men that it is possible to close one’s eyes to the misfortunes of others."
Perhaps he is right: there are abandoned children, massacred civilians, innocent people in jail, lonely old people, drunkards in the gutter, crazy men wielding power.
But then perhaps he is quite wrong: the Warriors of Light exist, and they never accept what is unacceptable.
The most important words in any language are small words. "Yes," for example. Love. God. These are words that are easy to utter, and they fill in empty spaces in our world.
However, there is one word – also a small one – that we find difficult to say: “No”.
And we see ourselves as generous, understanding, and polite. Because "no" is considered to be cursed, egoistic, not at all spiritual.
We have to be careful here. There are moments when we say "yes" to others and in fact are saying "no" to ourselves.
All the great men and women in the world have been people who, rather than say "yes", said a very big NO to everything that did not fit their ideal of bounty and growth.
Warriors of Light recognize one another just by looking. They are in the world, they are part of the world, and they were sent to the world without provisions or sandals. Often they are cowards. They do not always act properly.
Warriors of Light suffer for trivial things, worry about petty matters, and feel incapable of growing. Occasionally Warriors of Light feel they are unfit for any blessing or miracle.
Warriors of Light frequently ask what they are doing here. Many times they feel that their life has no meaning.
That is why they are Warriors of Light. Because they make mistakes. Because they ask. Because they continue to look for a meaning. But above all because they have the capacity to say “no” when they are faced with things they cannot accept.
We may often be called intolerant, but it is important to open up and fight against everything and all circumstances if we see injustice or cruelty. No-one can admit that, after all is said and done, Hitler set a pattern that can be repeated because people are incapable of protesting. And to reinforce this fight, let us not forget the words of John Bunyan, author of the classic “Pilgrim’s Progress”:
“For all that I have suffered, I do not regret the problems that I have faced – because they are what brought me to where I wanted to arrive. Now that I am close to death, all that I have is this sword, and I hand it over to whoever wants to follow their pilgrimage.
“I carry with me all the marks and scars of the combats – they are the witnesses of what I have lived through, and the rewards for what I have conquered. It is these cherished marks and scars that will open for me the gates of Heaven.
“There was a time when I was always hearing stories of bravery. There was a time when I lived only because I needed to live. But now I live because I am a warrior, and because one day I want to be in the company of Him in whose name I have fought so hard.”
So scars are necessary when we fight against Absolute Evil, or when we have to say “no” to all those who, sometimes with the best of intentions, try to impede our journey towards dreams.