أنت منذ الصغر تتباهى بملابسك البيضاء، المكوية بعناية شديدة و بالغترة البيضاء
الغارقة في "النشاء" و التي تعطيك إطلالة جميلة و هيبة تدل على الترتيب و التأنق
و تبعد عنك حرارة الشمس الحارقة.
أنا من الصغر و في سن الشقاوة و اللعب "أتكعبل" بالعباءة السوداء التي تجذب أشعة الشمس،
و التي في أحيان كثيرة تجعلني أصل لدرجة الغليان ...
أنت الحلم الأول لكل أب حتى يتباهى بك بين أسرته و أصدقائه و أنا الحلم الثاني ..
أنت حب الأم الأول، لأن تشريفك قد يلغي زواج والدك الثاني بحثاً عنك،
و أنت سبب التباهي "بأم الذكور" و أنا سبب نكد الأم،
لأن تشريفي قد يؤدي إلى زواج الأب بحثاً عنك، و أنا سبب معايرة أمي "بأم البنات"
.. أنت تسمع اسمك كل يوم في زهو حين يكنون والديك "أبو فلان" و "أم فلان"
و أنا محرومة من سماع اسمي و كأنني غير موجودة أصلاً،
و إذا تساهل الأب و سمح للجميع بتسميته بأبي فلانة
فسرعان ما يختفي اسمي عند تشريفك !
أنت تتزوج ممن ترغب، و في أي وقت تعدد، و أبناؤك يحصلون "اوتوماتيكياً"
على الجنسية التي تخصك، و حتى زوجتك إذا كانت غير سعودية,
و أنا لا أتزوج في أي وقت أرغب فيه بالزواج، فأمري كله بيد وليي "
أب – أخ – عم – جد".
أما عن الاختيار فلا مجال "نوع من الكماليات لا أحلم به حالياً
أنا إذا ما سمح لي لكبر سني مثلا بالزواج من غير سعودي
فلا يحصل زوجي و لا أبنائي على جنسيتي إلا بعد مرمطة،
و إذا قدر الحصول عليها فابني الذكر يحصل عليها عند سن الـ 18،
أما ابنتي الأنثى فتحصل عليها عند بلوغ الـ35 سنة و بشروط مغلظة !
و كأنه عقاب مجتمعي و جماعي ضد إبنائي أيضا على زواجي من غير سعودي!
أنت لك الحق في التطليق متى شئت من دون محاسبة و أحياناً تختفي من دون تطليق
و من دون احترام لحياة إنسانة مصيرها متعلق بيدك بعد الله،
بينما لا يحق لي طلب الطلاق،
و إذا ما تجرأت لسبب أو لآخر فأعرف مسبقاً أن سنوات عمري ستنقضي دون الحصول عليه،
لأنك لا تحضر الجلسة!و لأنني مطالبة بإثبات الضرر
"الذي يكون غالباً داخل الجدران الأربعة و يصعب إثباته"!
و علي أن أخلعك و أعوضك حتى لو كنت مدمناً أو فاسقاً أو مزواجاً
!
أنت تستطيع النزول في أي فندق و في أي وقت حتى لو كنت تقيم علاقة غير شرعية
"مستغلاً إسمي المدون في كرت العائلة"
و أنا لأنني "أسود" متهمة دائما، لا يحق لي النزول في فندق في المدينة أو في مكة
حتى لو في رحلة سياحية دينية سوى بخطاب من ولي أمري أو من الشرطة
!
أنت تستطيع أن تكتتب بأسماء أولادك و من دون استئذانهم،
و أنا غير مسموح لي بذلك إلا بموافقة والدهم ..
أنت "ابيض" ديتك كاملة ، و أنا "أسود" نصف ديتك!
أنت تستطيع أن تتزوج بعد وفاتي مباشرة و بترغيب من المجتمع "جدد الله فراشك".
ما تقدم دعوة مناسبة لك و أنت تستقبل العزاء في!
أنا لأنني "أسود" أتهم بقلة الأصل لو فكرت مجرد تفكير في الزواج بعد انتهاء العدة!
هذا غير احتقار و كره الأولاد لي "لاعتقادهم أن هذا الزواج خيانة لذكرى والدهم".
ما تقدم هو "غيض من فيض" و هو بالطبع بعيد كل البعد عن الآيات الكريمة
التي لم تحتو على كلمة التفضيل (ثم)، بل (و) المساواة،
"إن المسلمين و المسلمات و المؤمنين و المؤمنات و القانتين و القانتات"
الآية
ألا يحتاج ولي الأمر إلى إعادة بناء لهذه الثقافة الذكورية التي شملت كل الجوانب
و أثرت تأثيراً سلبياً في طريقة تربيتنا و حتى على سمعتنا كمسلمين؟
حتى نوعي الأجيال القادمة أن أبيض = أسود، ليس بحكم العادات و التقاليد،
و إنما بحكم الله الواحد الأحد
إلى متى تضيقون الفسيح بحجج واهية ؟؟؟
Friday, March 28, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
A Badawiya's Memoirs: Long lost diary entry
She sat there wondering what had brought her here, is what she is doing right? Who decides what right and wrong is anyway? And if her judgment is impaired like what he tells her because of her sheltered life and young age, where should she seek the truth? Her parents are living in another world, and she is almost certain of what their reactions would be, there is no point in letting them in on her secret. They will do more harm than good. Better leave her parents out of it this time. They just won’t understand.
But wait a minute maybe her mother will? A mother is a mother after all and her mother planned her life step by step starting from place of birth .That is just it! She can’t tell them, she could lose the only thing that might be right in her life and she can’t afford the risk of losing him. Yes, her mother will be devastated when she finds out that her worst nightmare has become a reality!! But she will get over it one day and her dad? Well he is a kind soul, mainly just existing and almost with no say on anything, whatever mom says is probably what goes in the end so what is the use?!
It is a matter of where she belongs. Where does she belong? There has never been a harder situation on earth, Arabia and the West. The conflict is at its peak these days and there is no escape from that. A choice has to be made and her heart is hanging on to both worlds. “you must give something up” he firmly tells her, “You can’t keep both worlds, you will lose them both in the end” Choose what you think God wants for you and he will lead the way”. She chose what God wants a long time ago. In fact, it is now that she feels that she is so far from God. Could they be right? The friend she had, the constant companion she relied on in good and bad times, could it be true? That wasn’t God? Is God so hard to talk to? Does she have to go through so many rituals, find the perfect spot, dress a certain way, and wash a certain way to reach out to him? Was she being disrespectful and maybe a little proud when she just cried out for God in the wrong places? Where does she belong? Why is she alone now? She closes her eyes and drifts in the past, to a happier place where things were simple and life was good.
Was she living a lie? Or is she just wiser now? Seems like the older you grow the more you belong to more things and the more complicated it gets, Where were the days when she belonged to her family, her college, her class, her friends? 6 years ago she would jump for an atlas each time somebody asked her where she was from and proudly point to the Arabian Peninsula , recite a little Arabic while everyone would listen in owe trying so hard to imitate her , she would tell stories of a thousand and one nights , ones that her Grandmother used to tell her before she went to bed, her audience marveled at the beauty and mystery of the east . She was a smart child; she would geographically track civilization’s history from the Hanging Garden’s of Babylon to the pyramids of Egypt. Where is that little girl? How could she leave her? The only source of freedom and joy is now dying. She needs her back! But how can she bring her back? It is just too sad in her world now; she herself would feel sorry for the little girl if she comes back. Maybe he is right; she needs to toughen up that little girl. Things are different now, instead of telling stories about Aladdin and Jasmine, people are attacking her with stories of Bin Laden and Terror , More frequent than not she finds her self amidst talk that is bigger than her, bigger than she can handle, why are there wars? Why is there hate? Why? Why? So many questions, but who can answer? Her mother says it is hopeless, her father says it is all politics , but she thinks it is all in their minds and longs to go back where sex, race and religion don’t matter. Were we are all citizens of the world and all we want is to live and let live . Humanity is the common denominator. How Simple!!! Why doesn’t the world get it?!?! She just can’t figure it out.
All she knows is that no longer do maps and boarders define people’s limitations, no longer is language an excuse for ignorance and no longer are we confined to our own cultures.
It is as global culture we live in today, the internet, the media, the music, the traveling everything!! The world is like a worn- out quilt made of different of patches, still one piece with little patches mending it each time it tears, just like a scene from an airplane window minutes before it lands.
She belongs to the world and all she represents is her humanity. “Know your limitations, know your size in this world” he says, “You are insignificant, and nothing you say or do can move this world an inch, grow up and stop dreaming.” How dare he? How dare he crush her just like that? She has been raised to know that nothing is impossible, that she can make a difference and that she can , if she puts her mind to it and will change the world. In fact, she believes it is a calling, a responsibility. She was born for this, If not her then who? Who will bridge between the East and West? Who will make each side understand the other and work around their differences? Who will fill the gap? Having lived half her life in the east and the other half in the west, is there anyone else who can represent an understanding of both worlds? Her blood is half east and half west; she was conceived to be a hero.
How can he just brush her ambitions aside? “Honey it is for your own good, I don’t want you to be disappointed in the end” he continues “I love you and I just want to protect you” “protect me? Protect me from what?” She wonders to herself, how can she live with someone who doesn’t believe in her? Worst of all, how can she protect him from himself? Hope can’t be killed, hope must go on or we will die. She lashes out and accuses him of being narrow minded and a coward, it happens every time, they try to have a civilized conversation about anything outside of their daily life, outside of the house, the kids and the kitchen , he brings her back to reality like a slap in the face , she wants to talk about the War in Iraq, the US politics, Religious misunderstandings, but he thinks she is just a woman, made of emotions and less mind. This is her life, this is what she chose. She must either change him or leave him or then she will lose herself. The whole scenario keeps on repeating itself like a poker game stopping at “I know better, you are just a mislead sheep ling “if only he knew he was the one mislead “she takes a deep breath, She pities him and loves him at the same time. She can’t stand him but she can’t live 10 minutes with out him.
Why then? Why do they allow world politics to ruin their relationship? Should she be less sensitive? Is it really none of her business? Should she just live her life not caring? Give up her dream? What about their children? What kind of world will they live in? She can’t! that is not the way she built herself!!! She needs to at least try, she wants a better world! She needs to fix it, and it is people like him, who make it hard, why can’t they make a step? With love and forgiveness everything will be alright. It is not just a line from a song, it can happen , she knows it can , how can something so simple be so impossible to achieve?! It never was this hard! Was it him? Was it something else she doesn’t know about?
Sometimes she blames it on the place! It is too closed for anyone to think anything but what the media dictates. Maybe no one is to blame. Maybe if they moved to another country, he will see that the world is not a one big conspiracy and that he was wrong. Behind the leaders and politicians who mess up everything are normal people like him and her, with children and parents who just want to get by. What can she do? “We can’t change the world, but we can change ourselves.” she thinks, “all we need is communication, all we need is to accept people as they are “. We are all human, the world is in our hands and anywhere is just hours away if not instantly at our fingertips.” So where does she belong? She asks herself that question everyday, and everyday she finds a different answer, and every day she struggles so hard to defend the world. Every day before she goes to bed, and after he fills her head with doubts and fears, after they make up and scars build up. She smiles at him, tucks herself to bed, prays that God gives her the strength to fight another day , shuts her eyes and softly succumbs thinking … “I belong to you”.
Friday, March 7, 2008
The importance of NO
"Hitler may have lost the war on the battle field, but he ended up winning something," says M. Halter. "Because in the 20th century, men created the concentration camp, resuscitated torture, and taught their fellow men that it is possible to close one’s eyes to the misfortunes of others."
Perhaps he is right: there are abandoned children, massacred civilians, innocent people in jail, lonely old people, drunkards in the gutter, crazy men wielding power.
But then perhaps he is quite wrong: the Warriors of Light exist, and they never accept what is unacceptable.
The most important words in any language are small words. "Yes," for example. Love. God. These are words that are easy to utter, and they fill in empty spaces in our world.
However, there is one word – also a small one – that we find difficult to say: “No”.
And we see ourselves as generous, understanding, and polite. Because "no" is considered to be cursed, egoistic, not at all spiritual.
We have to be careful here. There are moments when we say "yes" to others and in fact are saying "no" to ourselves.
All the great men and women in the world have been people who, rather than say "yes", said a very big NO to everything that did not fit their ideal of bounty and growth.
Warriors of Light recognize one another just by looking. They are in the world, they are part of the world, and they were sent to the world without provisions or sandals. Often they are cowards. They do not always act properly.
Warriors of Light suffer for trivial things, worry about petty matters, and feel incapable of growing. Occasionally Warriors of Light feel they are unfit for any blessing or miracle.
Warriors of Light frequently ask what they are doing here. Many times they feel that their life has no meaning.
That is why they are Warriors of Light. Because they make mistakes. Because they ask. Because they continue to look for a meaning. But above all because they have the capacity to say “no” when they are faced with things they cannot accept.
We may often be called intolerant, but it is important to open up and fight against everything and all circumstances if we see injustice or cruelty. No-one can admit that, after all is said and done, Hitler set a pattern that can be repeated because people are incapable of protesting. And to reinforce this fight, let us not forget the words of John Bunyan, author of the classic “Pilgrim’s Progress”:
“For all that I have suffered, I do not regret the problems that I have faced – because they are what brought me to where I wanted to arrive. Now that I am close to death, all that I have is this sword, and I hand it over to whoever wants to follow their pilgrimage.
“I carry with me all the marks and scars of the combats – they are the witnesses of what I have lived through, and the rewards for what I have conquered. It is these cherished marks and scars that will open for me the gates of Heaven.
“There was a time when I was always hearing stories of bravery. There was a time when I lived only because I needed to live. But now I live because I am a warrior, and because one day I want to be in the company of Him in whose name I have fought so hard.”
So scars are necessary when we fight against Absolute Evil, or when we have to say “no” to all those who, sometimes with the best of intentions, try to impede our journey towards dreams.
Perhaps he is right: there are abandoned children, massacred civilians, innocent people in jail, lonely old people, drunkards in the gutter, crazy men wielding power.
But then perhaps he is quite wrong: the Warriors of Light exist, and they never accept what is unacceptable.
The most important words in any language are small words. "Yes," for example. Love. God. These are words that are easy to utter, and they fill in empty spaces in our world.
However, there is one word – also a small one – that we find difficult to say: “No”.
And we see ourselves as generous, understanding, and polite. Because "no" is considered to be cursed, egoistic, not at all spiritual.
We have to be careful here. There are moments when we say "yes" to others and in fact are saying "no" to ourselves.
All the great men and women in the world have been people who, rather than say "yes", said a very big NO to everything that did not fit their ideal of bounty and growth.
Warriors of Light recognize one another just by looking. They are in the world, they are part of the world, and they were sent to the world without provisions or sandals. Often they are cowards. They do not always act properly.
Warriors of Light suffer for trivial things, worry about petty matters, and feel incapable of growing. Occasionally Warriors of Light feel they are unfit for any blessing or miracle.
Warriors of Light frequently ask what they are doing here. Many times they feel that their life has no meaning.
That is why they are Warriors of Light. Because they make mistakes. Because they ask. Because they continue to look for a meaning. But above all because they have the capacity to say “no” when they are faced with things they cannot accept.
We may often be called intolerant, but it is important to open up and fight against everything and all circumstances if we see injustice or cruelty. No-one can admit that, after all is said and done, Hitler set a pattern that can be repeated because people are incapable of protesting. And to reinforce this fight, let us not forget the words of John Bunyan, author of the classic “Pilgrim’s Progress”:
“For all that I have suffered, I do not regret the problems that I have faced – because they are what brought me to where I wanted to arrive. Now that I am close to death, all that I have is this sword, and I hand it over to whoever wants to follow their pilgrimage.
“I carry with me all the marks and scars of the combats – they are the witnesses of what I have lived through, and the rewards for what I have conquered. It is these cherished marks and scars that will open for me the gates of Heaven.
“There was a time when I was always hearing stories of bravery. There was a time when I lived only because I needed to live. But now I live because I am a warrior, and because one day I want to be in the company of Him in whose name I have fought so hard.”
So scars are necessary when we fight against Absolute Evil, or when we have to say “no” to all those who, sometimes with the best of intentions, try to impede our journey towards dreams.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
If this freedom then I don't want to be free
It is true. I am regressing. People change from racism to tolerance, from conservative to 'liberated', from over protected to ' where the hell is she and what is she doing?' but not me.
More and more, each day I live reveals to me this big fat lie we all aspire to reach. Fuck that. Today I visited the Geriatrizum whatever they call it in German where my friend's grandmother lived. She wasn't kidding when she warned me that it was the living dead and hell on earth. Is this what I want to end up like? Alone in an old people's house because my children have 'other' more important priorities? No.
Yet it is practical, the folks of these walking poor zombies seem to not be guilty about it. It is life. They have their own lives and there is simply no room for liabilities.
Fuck that.
I'd rather be an Arab. Where love songs of kids are dedicated to their mothers, where grown men weep at their mothers feet and respect and love them. Genuinely and truly.. not from duty but from the heart.
Here I look around me. People are selfish. "My needs, My life, My happiness.. " to the point they'd throw marriages of 8 and more years and leave their kids to grow up with no security, no values, no families like the white trash they are.
Yes I am racist. I don't give a shit. I of all people did not judge a person by his background, his family, his fucked up past or drugs sex jail life. I believed that we are all human and the LOVE is ONE. UNIVERSAL. ACCEPTING. UNCONDITIONAL. SELFLESS and FOREVER. But WTF.. OF COURSE OF COURSE OF FUCKING COURSE a man is but a sum of his experiences I preached that shit before I FUCKED MYSELF BY MYSELF. and if experiences of these men are dark dank painful deceitful dirty irresponsible and selfish.. HOW the fuck do you expect to get anything else out of them?
My bad. But we learn.
It is true. How some people can just continue living after they fuck up and not even try to fix it, is something beyond my comprehension. I would roll over, not sleep and live the rest of my life in a nightmare knowing I wronged someone, knowing I owed someone, knowing someone out there just gave up their life for me and because of me they are lost. I would at least try to resotre the person to where they were physically, emotionally, psychologically. I am not a fan of abandonment and running away. Ironic.
When I say I love I mean it. I never lied about it and I don't get these liars in and out of relationships pledging forever over and over again to different people. Like I said we learn.
If I am pure in my intentions careful with everyword and moment, trying to love with all that I am and have I shouldn't expect the same from someone who got fucked over and over by others just to take it out on me and treat me like I was just 'another'. To me there is no other and I am like no one and fuck anyone who treats me like any other relationship. I will not reach 37 with an insignificant existence, or like a turk in europ living a double life. I am comfortable with who I am and what I believe in and I am stronger than to waste my years infront of the PC ranting about world domination and shit without getting my ass up and doing something about it.
I cherish every thoughtful gesture, every sunrise and sunset. I make sure the people I love know that I do incase I don#t wake up the next morning. This is life, this is my path and fuck every fucker with no soul and no values or word of honor who tries to break my spirit.
I never understood it when people would say shit like ' you'll never see me cry', ' i won#t shed a tear for you' and all that shit. but I love him and my love is so strong he has to feel it' Fuck feelings. I only feel. What got into to me to even think some shit with garbage for a heart and brain feels as pure and true as I do.
Hell these people died when they were 15. There is nothing left in them. They used up all the good on shit people and things just like them. They deserve eachother. They can all live their empty canned life and get bored and switch and change and wonder where their souls ran away together. Probably smoking Hash or fucking whores. It is their way. Who am I kidding?. What they said about the west IS RIGHT. I lived it and I'm not one who lies to herself.
Sacrifice is a term they read about in pagan stories. They don't know what it means. Patience, care, adam and eve love is FUCK ALL. They might as well be animals.. and they are.
I will not retreat and go home broken and defeated. I am not a loser. I promised that I will do something and I will not let someone who doesn't know God break me. I am not like him and I will not turn out to be like him. I will continue, start from zero. I will get up and not let the rest of my life get affected by evil people. I believe in everything good and I will not let anyone pay the price for my fuck ups.
NO ONE SHOULD PAY FOR ANYONE ELSES SINS. Not me. NOT FOR UNCIVILIZED UNCULTURED TRAILER TRASH WHITE X's nor some misplaced honor stripped unwanted double standard immigrant turkish coffee wanna be's, NO ONE. Certainly and definitely not anyone with my blood line in them.
AND LETS SEE WHO WINS BOTH WORLDS..
THIS
and the NEXT.
More and more, each day I live reveals to me this big fat lie we all aspire to reach. Fuck that. Today I visited the Geriatrizum whatever they call it in German where my friend's grandmother lived. She wasn't kidding when she warned me that it was the living dead and hell on earth. Is this what I want to end up like? Alone in an old people's house because my children have 'other' more important priorities? No.
Yet it is practical, the folks of these walking poor zombies seem to not be guilty about it. It is life. They have their own lives and there is simply no room for liabilities.
Fuck that.
I'd rather be an Arab. Where love songs of kids are dedicated to their mothers, where grown men weep at their mothers feet and respect and love them. Genuinely and truly.. not from duty but from the heart.
Here I look around me. People are selfish. "My needs, My life, My happiness.. " to the point they'd throw marriages of 8 and more years and leave their kids to grow up with no security, no values, no families like the white trash they are.
Yes I am racist. I don't give a shit. I of all people did not judge a person by his background, his family, his fucked up past or drugs sex jail life. I believed that we are all human and the LOVE is ONE. UNIVERSAL. ACCEPTING. UNCONDITIONAL. SELFLESS and FOREVER. But WTF.. OF COURSE OF COURSE OF FUCKING COURSE a man is but a sum of his experiences I preached that shit before I FUCKED MYSELF BY MYSELF. and if experiences of these men are dark dank painful deceitful dirty irresponsible and selfish.. HOW the fuck do you expect to get anything else out of them?
My bad. But we learn.
It is true. How some people can just continue living after they fuck up and not even try to fix it, is something beyond my comprehension. I would roll over, not sleep and live the rest of my life in a nightmare knowing I wronged someone, knowing I owed someone, knowing someone out there just gave up their life for me and because of me they are lost. I would at least try to resotre the person to where they were physically, emotionally, psychologically. I am not a fan of abandonment and running away. Ironic.
When I say I love I mean it. I never lied about it and I don't get these liars in and out of relationships pledging forever over and over again to different people. Like I said we learn.
If I am pure in my intentions careful with everyword and moment, trying to love with all that I am and have I shouldn't expect the same from someone who got fucked over and over by others just to take it out on me and treat me like I was just 'another'. To me there is no other and I am like no one and fuck anyone who treats me like any other relationship. I will not reach 37 with an insignificant existence, or like a turk in europ living a double life. I am comfortable with who I am and what I believe in and I am stronger than to waste my years infront of the PC ranting about world domination and shit without getting my ass up and doing something about it.
I cherish every thoughtful gesture, every sunrise and sunset. I make sure the people I love know that I do incase I don#t wake up the next morning. This is life, this is my path and fuck every fucker with no soul and no values or word of honor who tries to break my spirit.
I never understood it when people would say shit like ' you'll never see me cry', ' i won#t shed a tear for you' and all that shit. but I love him and my love is so strong he has to feel it' Fuck feelings. I only feel. What got into to me to even think some shit with garbage for a heart and brain feels as pure and true as I do.
Hell these people died when they were 15. There is nothing left in them. They used up all the good on shit people and things just like them. They deserve eachother. They can all live their empty canned life and get bored and switch and change and wonder where their souls ran away together. Probably smoking Hash or fucking whores. It is their way. Who am I kidding?. What they said about the west IS RIGHT. I lived it and I'm not one who lies to herself.
Sacrifice is a term they read about in pagan stories. They don't know what it means. Patience, care, adam and eve love is FUCK ALL. They might as well be animals.. and they are.
I will not retreat and go home broken and defeated. I am not a loser. I promised that I will do something and I will not let someone who doesn't know God break me. I am not like him and I will not turn out to be like him. I will continue, start from zero. I will get up and not let the rest of my life get affected by evil people. I believe in everything good and I will not let anyone pay the price for my fuck ups.
NO ONE SHOULD PAY FOR ANYONE ELSES SINS. Not me. NOT FOR UNCIVILIZED UNCULTURED TRAILER TRASH WHITE X's nor some misplaced honor stripped unwanted double standard immigrant turkish coffee wanna be's, NO ONE. Certainly and definitely not anyone with my blood line in them.
AND LETS SEE WHO WINS BOTH WORLDS..
THIS
and the NEXT.
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