Saudi Marriages and gender roles

I have a friend who just got married to a Saudi. This friend of mine is kinda like me. She had been travelling all her life, she is a half breed, she lived the west and east. She had her share of relationships, none however which were Saudi and she met a man who she thought was well.. just like her.

Today she tells me about her everyday life, how she doesn't understand the psychology behind the partnership she entered. I am writing about this because I myself am amazed at her story.

I remember the days she used to date this guy ( before marrriage). To everyone who is thinking " well, since she dated him, a saudi guy will definitly not respect her and always doubt her and her lifestyle" It is NOT about doubt or jealousy. Not from what I am hearing at least.

Her story is about the marriage, partnership norm.

I never thought that it was complicated. I might disagree or even agree with how some of our cultural backgrounds as saudis dictate to us in behaving like wives. I have no problem with gender roles infact, I agree with most; for a successful marriage there should be the man of the house and the wife that follows, again it is not about that.

I don't even know how to explain it. I think it is about the basic concept of marriage and how couples in it should treat eachother. That is it. Marriage treatment!

In my life I heard oodles and oodles of stories about how couples changed how they relate to eachother or treat eachoter after marriage but never have I heard something like this before.
Suddenly, my friend is being told she is selfish, when she is the most selfless martyr woman I know. Suddenly, she doesn't put her man's need ahead of hers and suddenly she is wrong in everythought and every thing that she does!

Senarios: ( Situation: First time married woman, educated, western, somewhat pampered ( maids and all) sharing a house with a man who is fairly dominant ... aren't they all ? sighh).

- She is timid ofcourse, trying to fit in her new home ( in a new country). She still doesn't know where to get things from or how to share a home with a man. The man expects her to be a ready made homekeeper, he gets annoyed if she doesnt jump at things like buying stuff for the house, cooking at certain times, cleaning, arranging his personal effects ( hello.. did these men ever hear of privacy and I don't know what you want me to touch or not?) or simply her failure to remind him to bring batteries , or olive oil when all the while she was thinking " there must be a grocery day and I'm sure he doesn't want me to go do it alone".

What other instances? yes, things like always calling her to bring him something 2 inches near his reach, or on a rainy day let her go down from the car to get something from the convenience store, maybe her failure to " predict" his sweet tooth needs or what cup to put what in and over over she tells me she understands she is not used to him but the MANNER , the way they guy ORDERS her around in an authoritative voice often leaves her feeling just like one of his staff and not someone emotionally connected to him.

Often she tries to please him by " predicting" his needs, she cleans, she cooks, she even serves him something sweet but instead of appreciation she gets 2 things: 1. silence or as if it is her job and she was supposed to do it anyway ( complete disregard to the fact she worked hard on it or never went on her knees to wipe the floor before or had to invent something to eat from an almost empty cupboard). Apparantly the man explained to her that he expected her to go and buy temporary food and snacks but when she does he complains that he doesnt eat ready made stuff from a gas station store! ok 2: Dissapproval. YES. complete dissaproval of what she tried to do for him, " didn't I tell you not to put sugar, didn't I tell you not to serve me in this glass, how many times do I have to tell you to not give me something I did not ask for!" OK. SORRY.

She called me one night crying. she went back to the kitchen 4 times. 1. she brought him tea. 2- he said is was too sweet bring it back make another 3. she comes back with another he says I don't like the cup 4. make another one because it is now cold transferring from cup to cup!

I would kill myself if that happened to me! and why? because I was thoughtful enough to make the guy some tea this is what I get for trying to please him lol- some people!

Another senario:
- always telling her that this and this is wrong and criticizing her housewife activities.
- accusing her of selfishness because she gets upset when he asks her to stay standing holding something for him when he can put it anywhere beside him while he is doing something.
-accusing her of being selfish and not loving him enough when she gets upset that he makes her go down after making love to buy him cigarettes. ( hello after doing that deed I want to sleep in my mans arms not jump out of bed and act like i am a whore who just did it and now I can continue life as usual! )
- he compares her to his former gf's that they loved him and were selfless with him more ( that they loved him more!) that she doesnt compromise and that maybe that is why he expects too much.
- when told that naturally saudi women were born in a house where they were trained since 7 to cook a kabsa and serve their men he says his x was a working woman too. ( yeah right coming home at 2 everyday is a working woman!) This is another world baby and women dont just have kitchen and men serving in their heads!

- Somehow husbands think that just because they spend on you and take care of you financially you have to be their slave and if you don't be their slave then you don't love them enough. WELL... I know my friend, she is very emotional and she will climb the mountains and cross the seas for the man she loves. But climbing mountains is far more different than climbing stairs and crossing streets in the middle of the night because the guy just Did her! I would rather not have sex than feel like I am not cared for in that way.
-why are men so insensitive? why don't they put themselves in the shoes of the other person when they say hurtful things? When they critizes their women for "untouchable" things such as faith, their mothers, their feelings, their loved ones?

Which brings me to ONE BIG REALIZATION!! MEN.. are affected by the other men who share their same culture and background. No matter how cultured, well travelled and civilized a Saudi is, if his family, his friends, his workmates, his society does not do these things with their women and just feel they are the king because they spend on them and women should serve them. Well.. How can you expect him to be different when he is right?

Heaven and Hell in Islam

One thing that I can't take and I have to work on is when someone attacks my Iman ( faith). All my life I have been the epitomy of faith, the one who believes in God and his reasons, the one who will stand up for what I believed in and the one who loves God so much that I even excuse him for how he allowed his religion to be interpreted. There is nothing I hate more than how Islam is being pictured to muslims and none muslims by the very people we entrusted our "3ilm and thikr too" I admit that I have a problem with men of religion ( do not dare call them men of faith). Just the way they look, how they have no mercy or humanity in their hearts and how they JUDGE JUDGE JUDGE. Anyway, that is not what I am writing about today. Today is about how one person doubted my faith because of the LITERAL description of Heaven that I criticized by saying that if it were as what our religion tells us it is... rivers of wine and honey, trees, castles, women kinds and colors, fruits, gold and silver etc. Then to be honest I don't want it.
Yes, I don't want heaven if it is only that. First of all I am not a man to be jumping with joy for maidens young and virgins, second of all I have all the wine and honey I want whenever I want it, third of all, I am not in the desert to value green trees and last and definitly not least... I am not materialistic to be hoarding all my "hasant" and good deeds to build castles and castles of silver and gold in heaven. In short. I do not believe that My Allah, my beloved merciful all knowing God who created my soul prepared for me a heaven that I don't want to be in.
There is a hadeeth or even in the Quran it said that in Heaven is what no eye has seen, no ear has heard of and no thought that has ever crossed any human's heart. Sooooo... What gives?! Why am I being judged now for saying that I don't like the things that my eye has seen ( literal description of trees and rivers), My ear has heard ( all these descriptions and 7oor 3een and all that) and the thoughts and imaginations that come with them?!

I have always said.. Mo2mineen or faithful ones are not Muslimeen. I'm not the only one who says it, the quran says it and I will try to find the ayah about it. But that is another story, about how God said don't say that you are faithful say you are muslims because islam is not like Iman if you only knew.

The person I had an argument with said that I say stuff that might plunge my soul into hell for 70 falls and that is even more in God's time! why? because I am using my brains? because my God told me that Islam is reason!! because my God said that he likes it when people " yejtahido" to find the truth.. because I am not just listening to what was indocrinated in other people to the point of blind belief in things that are not reasonable? So much has opened in my spiritual life now that I am part of the saudi society again. From the faithful girl who people used to praise for not having lost values, for my deep faith and most of all my obsession with the Quran and how much I integrate it in my life, to the... " the one who's faith is uestionable"! Question my Islam because I am sure that more than 50% have a wrong understanding of real Islam but please don't touch my faith yo!

I was once accused of being Quranic. SO WHAT?
I maintain that some hadeeths have been plagiarized, that the hearsay from one man to another to the generation we are in must have and has been ( proven) to be incorrent and sometimes outrageous! we have accounts of hadeeths that are weak, that are strong that are even unfounded! So who can blame me for being Quranic?
So the Quran described Heaven with the rivers and trees.. well.. Mohammad was an Arab, the Quran was in Arabic so that the Arabs will understand it. What is the difference then if I were to say that the Quran said heaven was water and trees because that is what the Arabs valued most? Even in the Accounts of youm algiyamah.. " wa itha Al3isharo 3ottilat" ( I am not sure of the Ayah) but I am sure that 3ishar means camels. So why the special mention? because that is what is closer to the Arab mind. So why the rivers and women and trees? because that is what is closer to the Arab mind. When I explain to children why they should be good and I tell them that good kids go to heaven and bad kids go to hell, I say in heaven there are rainbows and toys and nice things and colors and cookies and in hell there are monsters and pirates and scary things and bad vegtables.. What kind of incentive would it be to say hey there are trees and wine rivers and women?! So.. If this is how I explain it to the young and unable to fathom minds, why can't we see that God explained heaven as he did because us humans have limited minds and just like toys and heaven to children he said camels and women to Arabs. LOGIC. ISLAM IS LOGIC. ok. Period.

Realizing this. Does this mean I just compromised my faith? No. On the contrary. I have just strengthened it. Because accepting just what is written and not having faith and trust in God that he knows the human soul enough to reward the Good people with what their hearts longed for, whether Arab or not, materialistic or not, womanizer or not well.. let us just say I trust my creator more than these people claim to understand what he is telling us in the Quran , when over and over again God keeps saying in the Quran that he brought it in Arabic so we would understand it. And believe me, when I let go of all the "tafaseer" except ofcourse fo the meaning of some hard words, and read it for my self I understood it and became more faithful and Muslim than I have ever been.

I have one rule in life. God made us and gave us Fitrah. What your heart says is right is right. As soon as debate, fear, compulsion even by things like the religious police or teachers come in then this is not fitrah anymore this is barmajah or programming.

And wow.. How saudis are programmed!

In search of your dreams

Those who dare having a project in life, foregoing everything to live their Personal Legend, will end up achieving anything. The important thing is to keep the fire in your heart and be strong to overcome hard moments.
Remember, the desires that are in our souls do not come from the nothingness; someone put them there. And this someone, who is pure love and only wishes our happiness, only did it because he gave us, together with these desires, the tools to make them happen.

The risky climb
In the middle of a storm, a pilgrim reaches an inn and the owner asks where he is going.
“I’m going to the mountains,” he answers.
“Forget it,” says the innkeeper, “it’s a risky climb, and the weather is awful.”
“But I’m going up,” answers the pilgrim, “if my heart gets there first, it will be easy to follow it with my body.”

What’s the price?
“Is the price of living a dream much higher than the price of living without daring to dream?” asked the disciple.
The master took him to a clothes store. There, he asked him to try on a suit in exactly his size. The disciple obeyed, and was very amazed at the quality of the clothes.
Then the master asked him to try on the same suit – but this time a size much bigger than his own. The disciple did as he was asked.
“This one is no use. It’s too big.”
“How much are these suits?” the master asked the shop attendant.
“They both cost the same price. It’s just the size that is different.”
When leaving the store, the master told his disciple, “Living your dream or giving it up also costs the same price, which is usually very high. But the first lets us share the miracle of life, and the second is of no use to us.”

The Search of the Path
“I am willing to leave everything. Please, take me as a disciple.”
“How does a man choose his Path?”
“Through sacrifice. A path that demands sacrifice is a true path.”
The abbot bumped into a bookcase. A very rare vase fell down and the young man threw himself to the floor to pick it up. He fell the wrong way and broke his arm. But he was able to save the vase.
“Which sacrifice is greater, to see the vase breaking down our breaking an arm to save it?”
“I don’t know.”
“So then, do not try to guide your choice through sacrifice. The path is chosen by our capacity of compromising with each step we make while we walk.”

The Drunkard Disciple
A Zen master had hundreds of disciples. They all prayed at the right time, except one, who was always drunk.
The master was growing old. Some of the more virtuous pupils began to wonder who would be the new leader of the group, the one who would receive the important secrets of the Tradition.
On the eve of his death, however, the master called the drunkard disciple and revealed the hidden secrets to him.
A veritable revolt broke out among the others.
“How shameful!” they cried in the streets, “We have sacrificed ourselves for the wrong master, one who can’t see our qualities.”
Hearing the commotion outside, the dying master remarked, “I had to pass on these secrets to a man that I knew well. All my pupils are very virtuous, and showed only their qualities. That is dangerous, for virtue often serves to hide vanity, pride and intolerance. That is why I chose the only disciple whom I know really well, since I can see his defect: drunkenness.”