Saudi Marriages and gender roles

I have a friend who just got married to a Saudi. This friend of mine is kinda like me. She had been travelling all her life, she is a half breed, she lived the west and east. She had her share of relationships, none however which were Saudi and she met a man who she thought was well.. just like her.

Today she tells me about her everyday life, how she doesn't understand the psychology behind the partnership she entered. I am writing about this because I myself am amazed at her story.

I remember the days she used to date this guy ( before marrriage). To everyone who is thinking " well, since she dated him, a saudi guy will definitly not respect her and always doubt her and her lifestyle" It is NOT about doubt or jealousy. Not from what I am hearing at least.

Her story is about the marriage, partnership norm.

I never thought that it was complicated. I might disagree or even agree with how some of our cultural backgrounds as saudis dictate to us in behaving like wives. I have no problem with gender roles infact, I agree with most; for a successful marriage there should be the man of the house and the wife that follows, again it is not about that.

I don't even know how to explain it. I think it is about the basic concept of marriage and how couples in it should treat eachother. That is it. Marriage treatment!

In my life I heard oodles and oodles of stories about how couples changed how they relate to eachother or treat eachoter after marriage but never have I heard something like this before.
Suddenly, my friend is being told she is selfish, when she is the most selfless martyr woman I know. Suddenly, she doesn't put her man's need ahead of hers and suddenly she is wrong in everythought and every thing that she does!

Senarios: ( Situation: First time married woman, educated, western, somewhat pampered ( maids and all) sharing a house with a man who is fairly dominant ... aren't they all ? sighh).

- She is timid ofcourse, trying to fit in her new home ( in a new country). She still doesn't know where to get things from or how to share a home with a man. The man expects her to be a ready made homekeeper, he gets annoyed if she doesnt jump at things like buying stuff for the house, cooking at certain times, cleaning, arranging his personal effects ( hello.. did these men ever hear of privacy and I don't know what you want me to touch or not?) or simply her failure to remind him to bring batteries , or olive oil when all the while she was thinking " there must be a grocery day and I'm sure he doesn't want me to go do it alone".

What other instances? yes, things like always calling her to bring him something 2 inches near his reach, or on a rainy day let her go down from the car to get something from the convenience store, maybe her failure to " predict" his sweet tooth needs or what cup to put what in and over over she tells me she understands she is not used to him but the MANNER , the way they guy ORDERS her around in an authoritative voice often leaves her feeling just like one of his staff and not someone emotionally connected to him.

Often she tries to please him by " predicting" his needs, she cleans, she cooks, she even serves him something sweet but instead of appreciation she gets 2 things: 1. silence or as if it is her job and she was supposed to do it anyway ( complete disregard to the fact she worked hard on it or never went on her knees to wipe the floor before or had to invent something to eat from an almost empty cupboard). Apparantly the man explained to her that he expected her to go and buy temporary food and snacks but when she does he complains that he doesnt eat ready made stuff from a gas station store! ok 2: Dissapproval. YES. complete dissaproval of what she tried to do for him, " didn't I tell you not to put sugar, didn't I tell you not to serve me in this glass, how many times do I have to tell you to not give me something I did not ask for!" OK. SORRY.

She called me one night crying. she went back to the kitchen 4 times. 1. she brought him tea. 2- he said is was too sweet bring it back make another 3. she comes back with another he says I don't like the cup 4. make another one because it is now cold transferring from cup to cup!

I would kill myself if that happened to me! and why? because I was thoughtful enough to make the guy some tea this is what I get for trying to please him lol- some people!

Another senario:
- always telling her that this and this is wrong and criticizing her housewife activities.
- accusing her of selfishness because she gets upset when he asks her to stay standing holding something for him when he can put it anywhere beside him while he is doing something.
-accusing her of being selfish and not loving him enough when she gets upset that he makes her go down after making love to buy him cigarettes. ( hello after doing that deed I want to sleep in my mans arms not jump out of bed and act like i am a whore who just did it and now I can continue life as usual! )
- he compares her to his former gf's that they loved him and were selfless with him more ( that they loved him more!) that she doesnt compromise and that maybe that is why he expects too much.
- when told that naturally saudi women were born in a house where they were trained since 7 to cook a kabsa and serve their men he says his x was a working woman too. ( yeah right coming home at 2 everyday is a working woman!) This is another world baby and women dont just have kitchen and men serving in their heads!

- Somehow husbands think that just because they spend on you and take care of you financially you have to be their slave and if you don't be their slave then you don't love them enough. WELL... I know my friend, she is very emotional and she will climb the mountains and cross the seas for the man she loves. But climbing mountains is far more different than climbing stairs and crossing streets in the middle of the night because the guy just Did her! I would rather not have sex than feel like I am not cared for in that way.
-why are men so insensitive? why don't they put themselves in the shoes of the other person when they say hurtful things? When they critizes their women for "untouchable" things such as faith, their mothers, their feelings, their loved ones?

Which brings me to ONE BIG REALIZATION!! MEN.. are affected by the other men who share their same culture and background. No matter how cultured, well travelled and civilized a Saudi is, if his family, his friends, his workmates, his society does not do these things with their women and just feel they are the king because they spend on them and women should serve them. Well.. How can you expect him to be different when he is right?