It is true. I am regressing. People change from racism to tolerance, from conservative to 'liberated', from over protected to ' where the hell is she and what is she doing?' but not me.
More and more, each day I live reveals to me this big fat lie we all aspire to reach. Fuck that. Today I visited the Geriatrizum whatever they call it in German where my friend's grandmother lived. She wasn't kidding when she warned me that it was the living dead and hell on earth. Is this what I want to end up like? Alone in an old people's house because my children have 'other' more important priorities? No.
Yet it is practical, the folks of these walking poor zombies seem to not be guilty about it. It is life. They have their own lives and there is simply no room for liabilities.
Fuck that.
I'd rather be an Arab. Where love songs of kids are dedicated to their mothers, where grown men weep at their mothers feet and respect and love them. Genuinely and truly.. not from duty but from the heart.
Here I look around me. People are selfish. "My needs, My life, My happiness.. " to the point they'd throw marriages of 8 and more years and leave their kids to grow up with no security, no values, no families like the white trash they are.
Yes I am racist. I don't give a shit. I of all people did not judge a person by his background, his family, his fucked up past or drugs sex jail life. I believed that we are all human and the LOVE is ONE. UNIVERSAL. ACCEPTING. UNCONDITIONAL. SELFLESS and FOREVER. But WTF.. OF COURSE OF COURSE OF FUCKING COURSE a man is but a sum of his experiences I preached that shit before I FUCKED MYSELF BY MYSELF. and if experiences of these men are dark dank painful deceitful dirty irresponsible and selfish.. HOW the fuck do you expect to get anything else out of them?
My bad. But we learn.
It is true. How some people can just continue living after they fuck up and not even try to fix it, is something beyond my comprehension. I would roll over, not sleep and live the rest of my life in a nightmare knowing I wronged someone, knowing I owed someone, knowing someone out there just gave up their life for me and because of me they are lost. I would at least try to resotre the person to where they were physically, emotionally, psychologically. I am not a fan of abandonment and running away. Ironic.
When I say I love I mean it. I never lied about it and I don't get these liars in and out of relationships pledging forever over and over again to different people. Like I said we learn.
If I am pure in my intentions careful with everyword and moment, trying to love with all that I am and have I shouldn't expect the same from someone who got fucked over and over by others just to take it out on me and treat me like I was just 'another'. To me there is no other and I am like no one and fuck anyone who treats me like any other relationship. I will not reach 37 with an insignificant existence, or like a turk in europ living a double life. I am comfortable with who I am and what I believe in and I am stronger than to waste my years infront of the PC ranting about world domination and shit without getting my ass up and doing something about it.
I cherish every thoughtful gesture, every sunrise and sunset. I make sure the people I love know that I do incase I don#t wake up the next morning. This is life, this is my path and fuck every fucker with no soul and no values or word of honor who tries to break my spirit.
I never understood it when people would say shit like ' you'll never see me cry', ' i won#t shed a tear for you' and all that shit. but I love him and my love is so strong he has to feel it' Fuck feelings. I only feel. What got into to me to even think some shit with garbage for a heart and brain feels as pure and true as I do.
Hell these people died when they were 15. There is nothing left in them. They used up all the good on shit people and things just like them. They deserve eachother. They can all live their empty canned life and get bored and switch and change and wonder where their souls ran away together. Probably smoking Hash or fucking whores. It is their way. Who am I kidding?. What they said about the west IS RIGHT. I lived it and I'm not one who lies to herself.
Sacrifice is a term they read about in pagan stories. They don't know what it means. Patience, care, adam and eve love is FUCK ALL. They might as well be animals.. and they are.
I will not retreat and go home broken and defeated. I am not a loser. I promised that I will do something and I will not let someone who doesn't know God break me. I am not like him and I will not turn out to be like him. I will continue, start from zero. I will get up and not let the rest of my life get affected by evil people. I believe in everything good and I will not let anyone pay the price for my fuck ups.
NO ONE SHOULD PAY FOR ANYONE ELSES SINS. Not me. NOT FOR UNCIVILIZED UNCULTURED TRAILER TRASH WHITE X's nor some misplaced honor stripped unwanted double standard immigrant turkish coffee wanna be's, NO ONE. Certainly and definitely not anyone with my blood line in them.
AND LETS SEE WHO WINS BOTH WORLDS..
THIS
and the NEXT.
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